A Sextbook (of sorts)

We all know the tragic truth: paper news is a dying medium. With the recent struggles locally and nationally, papers across America are going through hard times with hard copies. In an age of increasing accessibility, personal publicity and a plethora of painfully prevalent (and precipitously less clever) portmanteaux, who needs Anderson Cooper to tell us of troubles in Haiti when can hear those same twoubles through Kelly Clarkson's Twittering of benefit concerts? Who needs Rupert Murdoch when we have Mark Zuckerberg and a bunch of his friends? Who needs snail-mail in age where even AIM is becoming archaic? Who needs Ansel Adams when photography is to each his own, and own a Cybershot and Tumblr he must. And who ever needed Bill O'Reilly in the first place? But above this all, at this point, who needs me? Who requires a sex columnist to chisel his mark in ink and paper when every man, puppy and non-amish American has a cell phone stuffed in their pockets? Who wants to read something that doesn't light up, vibrate, or have an interactive koi pond upon your every beck and call? Who wants to read about someone else's sex on text when they can cleverly combine the words and just sext it themselves?! Certainly not you.For those who don't own a TV, have an internet provider, read magazines, have friends above the age of ten or lack the coexistence of a phone and common sense, and thusly lack understanding of the intricacies or appeal of this rising trend, let me explain. Sexting, as offered by my esteemed colleagues at UrbanDictionary.com, is defined simply as "using digital technology [to send] an image, video or text message of an explicit (adult) or risque nature to another individual", defined stupidly as "where a guy (or girl) sends nude pictures of themself back and fourth, or once. Personally I think the worse that could happen is the person show someone, but that's really it. The media is making out to be something so horrible that all kids could face sexual assault charges and shit like that. Literally only a few kids are caught, and it happens day to day to a thousand teens", and defined greatly biased as, "A stupid media term, that has the entire world going insane because the media is making it out to be the worst thing in the world, but honestly no one can do any harm to it". Regardless, sexting is all the rage these days.

For those clinging to the last remnants of Victorian society, and haven't yet embraced this messianic method of communication, the last bastion of hope is to fight fire with fire. A resistance is forming, and after years of covert operations in cultivating sexy decoy personalities on Myspace and seemingly innocuous friend requests on Facebook , parents are finally ready to fight cybersex in its own backyard. Groups such as the Institute for Responsible Online and Cell-Phone Communication v. 2.1 or I.R.O.C. 2 are ready to kick some serious sexting ass! Utilizing the same communication outlets that sexters have notoriously used now and in the past, I.R.O.C. 2 is the narc of the anti-sexting organizations. With pages on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Open Salon and Squidoo, as well as the filthy sext-filled cesspools that are Delicious Bookmarks and the Cruisin' Community sites, I.R.O.C. 2 is taking back the web. With its brilliant campaign, eloquently entitled "Sexting is Stupid!", I.R.O.C. version two is back with a vengeance after its failed attempts with the "Sexting is Not Cool" campaign of the ill-fated I.R.O.C #1.

Marked with the unquestionable authority of the I.R.O.C. 2 safety lab seal of approval, these sites wow their viewers. Using ultra-realistic digital avatars with the volume pumped all the way up, the Institute's Myspace uses shock value to get the kids to drop their phones and get in line! The page, registered not ironically at all as a 33-year-old man from New Jersey, teaches kids digital responsibility in what they do and who they talk to on the internet. Impressively, the page has garnered the unflinching friendship of such big names in politics as Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Ron Paul and Kiefer Sutherland. And that's just the Top 4! The Cheetah Girls, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, William Shatner, the Jonas Brothers and Lionel Richie all stand behind this noble institution. Even Michael Jackson throws a posthumous two thumbs up! With that kind of big celeb support, it is no wonder that I.R.O.C. 2 is a household name.

Recently, I.R.O.C. 2 has garnered attention for its controversial tactics. Known for their heavy-handed approach, the Institute uses methods such as their notoriously effective responsibility quiz. With such questions as "Were you ever irresponsible either as a kid touching a hot stove, or smoking (underage), or drinking underage, or trying drugs?", "Have you ever been irresponsible or brake* (spelling courtesy of I.R.O.C. 2) the law as an adult (e.g. speeding, running a red light, missing work for no reason)?" and "Have you ever posted your status on Facebook or another web page (private or public) as 'On Vacation', 'Traveling' or 'Out'?", this quiz declares that answering yes to any question means "your life may have been over at a very young age".

That's right, missing work can be deadly to young people. These scare tactics have been proven effective in battling the primordial desires inherent in sexting. Besides these valuable resources, I.R.O.C. 2 also helps unsure visitors decide whether they are stupid or not. Clicking on the "Are You Stupid?" tab brings up a comprehensive checklist that can be done at home or at work! It goes something like this, "if you take or post any picture, video, or text message on a cell phone, computer, or web cam that would make your parents, friends, or co-workers look like this, then YES...YOU ARE STUPID!" Most of all, I.R.O.C. 2 reminds us all of the fundamental truth at hand: whenever and wherever you sext, remember, "you can never unplug the internet!" Unless you use a landline.

But, you don't have to take my word for it! Check it out!