2008 Woodie Awards
horoscopes
Issue date: 2/10/05 Section: Life!
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Libra
"If you're not going to purchase anything, please make room for paying customers."
So you're flat broke right now and you need to buy something really special for your sweetie on Valentine's Day. Do you still have any books from last semester? Do you have useless trinkets lying around? Someone will pay good money for those on Ebay.
Scorpio
"That's a sign. Fate's telling us to back-off."
Okay, so you're really into this omniscient power controlling the universe crap, which is probably why you're reading your horoscope right now. Let me give you some advice: you are in control of your life. If you really feel like you should be with someone, then go for it. Take a chance already.
Sagittarius
"You know who plays golf? Guys who are too fat to play tennis."
Your New Year's resolution was to lose those love handles but you have already flaked. Too much work, too tired or you really just need to relax. Well, those excuses might be quelling your conscience for now, but remember that you're going to have to squeeze into a bathing suit in just a few months.
Capricorn
"Contrary to popular New York myth The Times is not omniscient."
Your habit of looking up at the ceiling every time someone tells you that the Virgin Mary's image has appeared is getting annoying. Plus, you can get a stiff neck looking up at the ceiling all the time. Try not to judge a book by its cover because a lot of times you're being lied to.
Aquarius
"How does Bora Bora sound?"
How does Bora Bora sound? Pretty wonderful, right? If you're one of those little rich kids lucky enough to travel somewhere exotic over spring break, well good for you. But for you average Joes I'm sorry to inform you that there are still eleven weeks left in the semester. Tough break, but you'll survive.
Pisces
It was a movie poster. It's no big deal."
A movie poster can communicate meaningful life lessons as well as advice on love. Pay attention to those movie posters because they're telling you more than you think. In fact, your entire psyche is actually composed of information gleaned from movie posters. Scary, huh?
"If you're not going to purchase anything, please make room for paying customers."
So you're flat broke right now and you need to buy something really special for your sweetie on Valentine's Day. Do you still have any books from last semester? Do you have useless trinkets lying around? Someone will pay good money for those on Ebay.
Scorpio
"That's a sign. Fate's telling us to back-off."
Okay, so you're really into this omniscient power controlling the universe crap, which is probably why you're reading your horoscope right now. Let me give you some advice: you are in control of your life. If you really feel like you should be with someone, then go for it. Take a chance already.
Sagittarius
"You know who plays golf? Guys who are too fat to play tennis."
Your New Year's resolution was to lose those love handles but you have already flaked. Too much work, too tired or you really just need to relax. Well, those excuses might be quelling your conscience for now, but remember that you're going to have to squeeze into a bathing suit in just a few months.
Capricorn
"Contrary to popular New York myth The Times is not omniscient."
Your habit of looking up at the ceiling every time someone tells you that the Virgin Mary's image has appeared is getting annoying. Plus, you can get a stiff neck looking up at the ceiling all the time. Try not to judge a book by its cover because a lot of times you're being lied to.
Aquarius
"How does Bora Bora sound?"
How does Bora Bora sound? Pretty wonderful, right? If you're one of those little rich kids lucky enough to travel somewhere exotic over spring break, well good for you. But for you average Joes I'm sorry to inform you that there are still eleven weeks left in the semester. Tough break, but you'll survive.
Pisces
It was a movie poster. It's no big deal."
A movie poster can communicate meaningful life lessons as well as advice on love. Pay attention to those movie posters because they're telling you more than you think. In fact, your entire psyche is actually composed of information gleaned from movie posters. Scary, huh?