2008 Woodie Awards
One night stands: step aside men
Lily Hatfield
Issue date: 2/22/07 Section: Life!
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I feel like I need to empower some of the women on this campus. This is 2007 people! The age of men asking women out on dates is dead. You will be lucky if a guy drives you home after a drunken hook-up and a fake orgasm. It's time to turn the tables. Here it is ladies, the time to turn things around. Take the power. Find the inner jerk and slut inside you.
Fellas, read this article carefully. It will prepare you on how to get along and properly treat a woman who is asking you for a booty call.
If a lady invites you to the shrine that is her bed, you must know that you are a guest and not a permanent resident. She sets the pace; she makes the rules. If she wants to have sex, you are having sex. If she doesn't want to have sex, then don't get all pushy, over excited, bitchy and moany. You are on her turf and have no say in the matter. If you are invited solely as a booty call do not expect (or ask for) "cuddling." Do expect to perform foreplay and all that comes with it. Do not ask to receive anything; you are the one going down tonight. You should know you are serving one purpose and one purpose only, to get this girl laid. Failure to do so may result in loss of communication or being thrown out in the snow with no pants on.
After all is said and done, you do not get all the pillows. You will get one pillow if you are lucky. Do not steal all the blankets. Your loss of body heat is hardly her concern. Wash all the cologne off your body before you get in her bed and soil it with your scent.
Do not leave used condoms or wrappers around her room or bathroom. Dispose of these properly, wrapped in toilet paper in the trash. Lastly, if you are lucky enough to be invited to spend the entire night in her bed, give her room on her own bed to fall asleep.
In the morning, there is to be no milling around. You were invited over for one reason and one reason only, and now it is time to get to steppin'.
Do not hang around until one or two in the afternoon waiting for her to make you breakfast or lunch. This is not a bed and breakfast. Go to GQ if you are hungry and don't slam the door on your way out.
Fellas, read this article carefully. It will prepare you on how to get along and properly treat a woman who is asking you for a booty call.
If a lady invites you to the shrine that is her bed, you must know that you are a guest and not a permanent resident. She sets the pace; she makes the rules. If she wants to have sex, you are having sex. If she doesn't want to have sex, then don't get all pushy, over excited, bitchy and moany. You are on her turf and have no say in the matter. If you are invited solely as a booty call do not expect (or ask for) "cuddling." Do expect to perform foreplay and all that comes with it. Do not ask to receive anything; you are the one going down tonight. You should know you are serving one purpose and one purpose only, to get this girl laid. Failure to do so may result in loss of communication or being thrown out in the snow with no pants on.
After all is said and done, you do not get all the pillows. You will get one pillow if you are lucky. Do not steal all the blankets. Your loss of body heat is hardly her concern. Wash all the cologne off your body before you get in her bed and soil it with your scent.
Do not leave used condoms or wrappers around her room or bathroom. Dispose of these properly, wrapped in toilet paper in the trash. Lastly, if you are lucky enough to be invited to spend the entire night in her bed, give her room on her own bed to fall asleep.
In the morning, there is to be no milling around. You were invited over for one reason and one reason only, and now it is time to get to steppin'.
Do not hang around until one or two in the afternoon waiting for her to make you breakfast or lunch. This is not a bed and breakfast. Go to GQ if you are hungry and don't slam the door on your way out.