2008 Woodie Awards
Jack and Jill went up the hill...
Rachel Grinenko and Alexis Kaczmarczik
Issue date: 1/24/08 Section: Life!
Jack and Jill were high school sweethearts. He was captain of the football team, she was head cheerleader. He was tall, dark, and handsome; she was the blue-eyed, blond haired bombshell. By the time prom rolled around, Jack and Jill decided that it was time to take their relationship to the next level. Time to hand over their V-Cards.
Nicely sloshed off of some watermelon Smirnoff they bought off of Jack's twenty-two year old cousin Greg and the half bottle of Ballatore Jill found in the back of her mom's closet, the two love birds stumbled into the hotel room they had booked for the night.
Jill walked to the dresser to light some vanilla lavender scented candles. When she turned around a second later, Jack was only a foot from the still-open door, but already his pants were down around his ankles.
Jill's eyes moved to the exposed doorway. As Jack leaned his leg back to kick the door shut, he tripped on his pants, subsequently falling into Jill, pushing her back against the dresser.
This jostled the vanilla lavender scented candle, causing it to topple over onto Jill's hot pink taffeta prom dress. In her drunken state, Jill mistook Jack's cries of "You're on fire!" as a compliment to her beauty. It wasn't until she smelled the burning fabric that she realized it was actually her dress that was on fire, and things weren't looking up for this fairy tale loss of virginity.
You see where we're going with this. Jack had trouble getting the condom on, Jill passed out half way through, and they both spent the rest of the night sleeping next to the toilet on the cold hotel bathroom floor. They broke up the next day.
In everyone's (well, every girl's) fantasy, losing your virginity is all rose petals, love, and Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" playing in the background. In reality, the boy won't be able to get it in, the girl will cry in agony, and your mom will find the condom wrapper two days later, leading to a very uncomfortable conversation about how a baby will ruin your life and no boy will ever want you now and for God's sake, don't make the same mistakes that she did. Not that she doesn't love your big brother.
Nicely sloshed off of some watermelon Smirnoff they bought off of Jack's twenty-two year old cousin Greg and the half bottle of Ballatore Jill found in the back of her mom's closet, the two love birds stumbled into the hotel room they had booked for the night.
Jill walked to the dresser to light some vanilla lavender scented candles. When she turned around a second later, Jack was only a foot from the still-open door, but already his pants were down around his ankles.
Jill's eyes moved to the exposed doorway. As Jack leaned his leg back to kick the door shut, he tripped on his pants, subsequently falling into Jill, pushing her back against the dresser.
This jostled the vanilla lavender scented candle, causing it to topple over onto Jill's hot pink taffeta prom dress. In her drunken state, Jill mistook Jack's cries of "You're on fire!" as a compliment to her beauty. It wasn't until she smelled the burning fabric that she realized it was actually her dress that was on fire, and things weren't looking up for this fairy tale loss of virginity.
You see where we're going with this. Jack had trouble getting the condom on, Jill passed out half way through, and they both spent the rest of the night sleeping next to the toilet on the cold hotel bathroom floor. They broke up the next day.
In everyone's (well, every girl's) fantasy, losing your virginity is all rose petals, love, and Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" playing in the background. In reality, the boy won't be able to get it in, the girl will cry in agony, and your mom will find the condom wrapper two days later, leading to a very uncomfortable conversation about how a baby will ruin your life and no boy will ever want you now and for God's sake, don't make the same mistakes that she did. Not that she doesn't love your big brother.