Pamphlets: incredible facts

As a sex columnist, I feel that at times I am shirking the true range of my responsibilities. Sure, I have no problem churning out quirky anecdotes, being politically incorrect, or bashing presidential candidates, but how often do I tell you guys anything that could really, legitimately, improve your sex life? Typically, I leave the guidelines to the 40-day-tantric-orgasm to experts and sweat the small stuff. However, recently I've noticed that I have often posed sex in a positive light. In media and communications jargon they call this bias. As to avoid bias, and to appease my exceedingly large uber-conservative readership, I offer this article as a compromise.

Let it be said that sex is not all fun and games; rather it is full of dangerous pot holes and what-not. What are actually fun and games are the plethora of poorly-made sexual education pamphlets, available to College students at the Health Center for only the small price of something upwards of $40,000. Though they are relics circa the early 1970s, they are artifacts of something truly timeless: gonorrhea, AIDS, and the clap. Well written and better yet, illustrated, they are powerful resources in the battle to keep our sexual organs puss-free.

On par, at least, with commercials of the dangerous sexual activity yet excessive physical activity of those with genital warts, these pamphlets offer an accessible and alternative source to those with too much time to watch TV and too little time to actually have sex. In other words, they're perfect for people just like YOU, with ample time to spend on such things as reading my article. So, in your best interest, I'll help you out.

Today I took a little walk. The final destination of this walk was a destination completely new to me and quite possibly to many College students: the College Health Center. As I strolled into the building I was warmly received by its dim lighting and contemporary staircase designs. On my left was a small table filled with information on everything I would ever need to know about drugs, alcohol, or any potential connection someone might have with syphilis. Here, right next to the door, I found that my anonymity could be maintained by sheer speed. Rather than wasting my time with questions to real people or certified counselors, I could quickly solve my problems with nothing more than a snatch and grab. Added bonus: I don't even have to go to the store any more to buy female condoms, as they offer them for free! Sure I have no clue what they actually are, but I bet they're just inside-out condoms anyway. As a matter of respect, I left of few of those bad boys to the general populace while filling my pockets best I could.

Seeing that their use might suggest or coincide with sex, I decided that it might be best to pick up some info first. Like sexual robot computing device, I filled what little space I had left in my pocket with all the literature I could fit. It was a hard choice but I settled on a few classics like the beloved Gonorrhea - More common than you think and the quintessential About AIDS and shooting drugs. Having never heard of any drugs used by professional marksmen, I knew I had to partake in a little old fashioned enlightenment.

The folds of this 30% post-consumer recycled paper housed a veritable cornucopia of knowledge. Behind pictures of happy high school sweethearts are the answers to Six things you may not know about oral sex. Beneath the guise of bland, monochromatic line drawings of Bobby Prepperton in his late grandma's wool sweater, the gypsy Vladimir Mustachio and his hermaphroditic girlfriend, and Farrah Fawcett's annual checkup, these pamphlets hid nothing but the hard facts. How the hell was I to know that gonorrhea doesn't come from shaking hands or sitting on toilet seats?

Had I just seen the accompanying picture of two people eating, I would have certainly thought they were tainted by the plague. If I hadn't been lured in by the poor designs, I would have certainly never known that there are other ways to show I care than sex. Did you know you can rub, hug, or dry kiss? What is tongue gonna get you but something nasty? The best part is, if I was five or 95, I would still get that a picture of an arrow going into a cartoon guy's heart is shorthand for AIDS. Really, there is something for everyone! Honestly, for everyone!

If the College doesn't offer the pamphlet you need, it does offer a pamphlet on how to order the pamphlet you need! Do you like incredible facts? Then the incredible facts series is for you, delivering incredible facts on everything from stress to tattoos to women's bodies. Are you insensitive and ask inappropriate questions? Then the Eating Disorders: What? Why? pamphlet is the one for you. Are you familiar with the alphabet but not with hepatitis then grab a copy of the Hepatitis ABC's today! Do you wanna get stronger with bands for some reason? There is a pamphlet for that. Did you not like Abstinence: Incredible Facts? Then you can still enjoy Abstinence: Facts, now with 50% less incredible! Are you a new mom? Snatch up New Mom Tips now! Are you a new dad? Yoink a copy of New Dad Tips! Are you a newborn? Don't be discouraged that you can't read; drool all over Newborn Tips. Hey, are you inadequately pressured by others? Consider reading Look Who's Smoking Too! Do you sometimes wonder if you can sue a creepy guy? Try Flirting or Harassment on for a spin. Have you answered yes to any of these questions? Then gather up 36 cents and 50 other friends with 36 cents and you'll each have a pamphlet within two to three weeks!

Do you think you have an STD?

Well read about it first.